Squeak-uk-model

It is only in our most darkest moment through fear, pain & anguish, when fear & madness might consume our weakened souls and minds that our most basic elements whisper softly, so softly, such inspirational words of wisdom.  But still we must choose to hear them!

Call it GPS if you will – guidance for personal survival, I do.  Others call it gut instinct.  Others have no name for it, either because they can not hear it or simply choose not to preferring the pain, because if they have no pain to feel, they feel they have nothing left at all.  

These people can not function without pain, it drives them to the shoulders of others to be embraced and supported, or it isolates them from the long warm embrace, only to be touched briefly from passers by, thus eliminating the opportunity for further, fresh pains, new and exquisite.  The old pain is now a comfort blanket, heavy and cumbersome and will never be replaced.  It is only with time, long-long time coming, that the blanket wears so thin it offers no comfort the more and becomes a distant memory as the fractured fibers disintegrate and are lost on the winds.


What say you?

To move onwards, upwards and outwards.  Expanding one's horizons and never to doubt the self.

There are 101 reasons and more still, to sit and mope and suffer, in silence or so loud as to pierce the ears of those that don't hear you anyway, is nothing more than a waste of what little energy there is left to find your way home again.  Now where did I put that?

Funny isn't it.  How evolution plays a part in our every day lives, but we are always so on top of it, we really can't see it for looking.  Our vision blinded by our own selfish and misguided beings.  Every day, is a school day and its true.  We learn things all the time about who we are as an individual or as a groupee, a sect or even as a species.  Everything that goes on around us, effects us in ways that aren't always obvious.

Yeah, I'm rambling.  I'm just a little pissed at the moment on how people think its OK, to be so disrespectful to the ones they hold close and dear.  I don't understand it, nor do I want to really.  This is one of those things that I pray, that if I ignore it, it will go away!  Generally it does too, but the friendships that came before, are lost in the moment too.  Gone forever.

I've been stalked by my ex recently, who has managed to destroy all of my recent achievements, my TA, my gym training, my own home.  Sure enough this got me on a downer.  This wasn't helped either with me missing my children. I'm back on meds now for depression, but am managing to find my way through again, as I ALWAYS DO!

On top of everything else going on at the moment, work has been amazingly busy, and has given me something else to focus on.  I am also attempting to build my own little empire.  My sadistic side wants to play outside in the big wide world.  I'm taking on the role of a professional Dominatrix.  I have access to a dungeon where I live now, and have the design for some bespoke furniture to go in it, I just have to make it.  Then I need to secure myself a web page etc, and go get some clients.  I'm being mentored by a Mistress of distinction currently and my skills are developing quickly, as is my taste for inflicting pain and humiliation on anyone that desires it.

I hope you wish me well on my venture as it is all very important to me.  It is something that I want to do in my evenings and weekends without impeding on my vanilla life, which is also as important to me.  I just want to succeed at something.

With all this change thats going on, I am seeking funds to fund my way to better things!  So im looking for genuine work that pays!  If anyone out there knows of some available modelling work that is not NFP/CD, but cold hard cash - please get in touch!

I'd really appreciate all help at this time.

Thnk you in advance!

Squeak
xxx

....is not something I have ever been afraid of, and usualy embrace it - when it is required or just beneficial.  Sometimes, however, change just doesn't work out the way we want it to - eh?

My life has encountered much change lately.  Dogs, partner, job, home.  Four very potentially stressful elements.  I had to destroy my dog, my partner Keith left (thoughtfully for the better), and I rehomed the other two dogs (having become single with a full time job, and a part time job in the TA - left me with no time for dogs - it wasn't fare to keep them), moving on with my life, my job seems to be going places, I have been re-titled to 'Continuous Improvement Officer', sound impressive don't it?  I love my work!  
I got involved with a fella, one I should have known better than to have, but he seemed nice, and reassured me of good things to come for me/us.  My situation at my house had gotten desperate, it was damp and cold.  After mons of asking, tha landlord, still hadn't fixed my bedroom window,(it doesn't close), nor put the insulation in the loft, nor done the pointing or re-damproofed the property.  Water would freeze in the glass on my bedside table some nights over this winter, when it had been particularly cold.  This fella offered me a way out.  I though about his offer.  It seemed like a good idea.  A warm place to be, with someone who cares.....  I accepted, handed in the notice to my landlord, and my lodger (who still hasn't paid this months rent), and moved into his flat.  My landlord has since signed contracts with my replacement tenant, so there's no going back.  I had no contract with him and paid no bond, so i have no money to come back to me either, no means of securing another place of my own.  My fella's emplyer rents this place and so I'm here illegally.  So am no more secure than, an open padlock - doh.

I have backed myself into a vey tight corner, with no resources, or means to fight my way out.  This is not a cercumstance of which I am accustomed.  Sure I have made mistaked before, but I have always had a solution or a route around it.  Not this time.  Im a fool.  A stupid and naive fool.  Those of you who know me, please feel free to stand back and have a laugh.  Laugh for me too, cos I can't find my laugh just now.  I hope i dont get too desperate, you know.  I dont want to become a crazed fool...

There will be an answer, somewhere.  Just have to look for it.  Try to be rational and conditioned.  Spend more time a the gym, and away from 'home'.  What else is there now....?

Take care all of you.  APpreciate what you have, and love everyone in your lives, especially yourself.  Take each decision carefully and be steady!

xxx

It  has been some time since I was on here last.  There have been some changes, some great some not so.

Needless to say Keith and I did not work out.  No suprise there, well I don;t think so.  Im sure all I'm good for is married or spoken for men, whom seem to be drawn to me like flies to shit.

I was outa work for a while, but made the most of it.  I have since found a new job!  A challnging role within a company that together we will go a long way.  There is much to do....

It breaks my heart to bring these sad tidings.  My 'Mr' had to be destroyed.  It was claimed he bit someone.  I can't say if he did or not, I was not there.  The damage to the girl was superficial and healed very quickly.  If he did, or didn't there was no other decision to be made.........  I had to put him to sleep.  I carried him home on my back on the bus and buried him in my garden.  The family saw Mr when I buried him, and should it be that the gil lied, then her concious will haunt her always.

RIP BOY I MISS YOU SO MUCH.  MY DEAREST FRIEND, I NEED YOU NOW SO MUCH.  I KNOW YOU ARE CLOSE BY YET SO VERY FAR.  I WISH ANOTHER DECISION COULD HAVE BEEN BUT IT WAS NOT.  I AM SO SORRY FOR LETTING YOU DOWN.

On a lighter note, I took it upon myself to join the TA.  Thats right.  Squeak is now a soldier.  PLease dont laugh.  The training was intense, but I achieved a lot in a very short time.  I am very proud to have made it!  I am aware that this may take me places I may not like to be, but I will support my comrades whole heartedly and do my duty should it call on me.  I met some great people there, and learned many new things about myself and my lack of limitations..................

This brings me to some further sad news.  The leaving of Keith, the gaining of a job, and joingin the TA, takes me away from home more than I care to be.  Missy, bless her, who did so wonderfully well, has had to be rehomed.  My absence was far from fair.  She has found a good home with a family to grow with.  I wish her well and hope she is happy.

For a short while I had a foster Rotti with me too.  Fella is what I called him.  Fella was not in the best physical state on his arival and I had some work to do with him.  He was a gentle giant, a little reluctant around men, and sometimes easily spooked.  However he now lives in Swindon with Jamos, I fine chap, very talented, and I hope the two of them are happy together.  Im sure this is the case as i get txt's and emails ltting me know how they are doing.

I must get Jamos to register on here.  You would love his anime style works.  Brilliant!

Now I am alone again.  I have a lodger, however, he's a little too cocky with talking about what he wants to do with my home, so Im a little tentative as to what I should think about all of it.  Time will tell I guess.

Soon it will be xmas.  My least favourite time of year.  Friends invite me to join their family dinner, which I graciousley decline.  Xmas is a time for families.  My own can not be with me, nor can i be with them.  SO why would I want to sit and watch someone elses family enjoy their own?  uummmmmmmm????????????
The pub will be my company.  Or perhaps I will just sleep through it.

Anyway.  I have very little fresh work to add as I have not been modelling since I went to London with the Dragon therein.  We had a great session together and the finished works are fab.  Thanks guys for having me.  I hope you too are happy with the results.  Now, give me some more work????  I sure could do with the additional cash.

All the best everyone...... and thanks for reading.